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HOME
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Courage
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12-09-2006
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As Christmas bears down, a world of sadness is upon me. We've made it through the twin's birthday, Thanksgiving and now we have Christmas. The closer Christmas got, the harder it has been for me. Not to mention the fact that January is right around the corner, when I turn 30. Do you realize the significance of 30 to me? My paternal grandmother did not live outside of her 30's. My sister didn't either. I'm scared.
I kept an old pregnancy ticker up on my one blog, I should be 32 weeks pregnant right now with Brennan. Instead, I'm working up the courage to visit his grave that I know that no one else has been to. When I'm asked, I have a daughter and an angel in heaven, a son that was not meant to be on earth, but meant to look over our family. I've talked at great lengths with my hubby on this. He has a hard time recognizing that he has a son, because he didn't "bond" with him. He held him. He saw him. He is his son. He is father to two children.
When people ask, "How many children do you want to have?" I reply, "Two living children." I know this throws them off and they take the hint that I have another child. Someone asked my mother the other day, "How many grandchildren do you have?" Her reply, "Five, but one of them is already in Heaven. I will see him later." She's also added a charm to her grandchildren necklace for him. A special ornament will always hang on our Christmas tree, for our son, our guardian angel.
God bless you Dee and Brennan. Till we meet again. |
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Our story.. and Emma's birth
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10-27-2006
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Jason and I started dating in June 1995. We got married on November 9,
2002!! We tied the knot at a local church, with family and friends present.
It was a great day! Stressful.. but I did have a lot of fun in the end!
We decided to start a family in 2003, not knowing it would be a year and a
half later that this dream would happen!
We went off the birth control pills in May 2003. By May of 2004, I was
stressed as could be and went to see my OB/GYN for options. We did
some testing and nothing was found conclusive. I tried Clomid, which had
the opposite effect on me than it does on most women. So Clomid was out!
At this point in the story, it's October 2004, and we were referred to a
fertility specialist that wanted more testing done. We couldn't afford, nor did
we really want to go this route. We stopped everything and focused on
the adoption process. In December 2004, I decided to try temping again,
just to see what was going on with my body.. at 18dpo (days past ovulation -
January 14, 2005) I tested with a home pregnancy test.. and it was
positive much to our delight!
And the journey begins.....
All approx. times
Tuesday night
11:30 water broke
called dh, mil, and mom. mil and fil came to pick me up. i had to figure out how to get to
the hos. w/out making their durango swim!
12:15ish get to hospital.. contractions had started back up around midnight. they laughed
because i passes the "floor" test. i stood there and just wet their floor, no need to check if
it was really my water!
walked.. watched tv.. all that.. till 8:30 Wednesday
Right before this they had started talking Pitocin as my contractions were so irregular. I
remember from all talking on here, how hard that makes your contractions, So I requested
the epidural. It took about 25 minutes to get the epidural in my back. I was stuck about 6-7
times and it had really started to hurt, I was near the point of telling him to stop. The
epidural ended up midway up my back, as that is where he could get it inserted in the
discs. Once it was in, I had what they called the "perfect" epidural. I couldn't feel the pain,
but I could still feel the pressure of the contractions. I was fully dialated at 2:45 and
allowed to begin pushing. I had a lip left on my cervix that they pushed back when I
pushed.. trying to make it stay back. I pushed till approx 5:30pm, with no progress. The
head of the baby had not descended at all despite all the pushing. The baby was not in
any distress during all of this.. barely had a blip in the heartbeat during contractions!
Anyways.. they said that I had the option to continue pushing, or opting for the c-section. I
asked if there was any chance that baby could be born vaginally, or if I was going to be
wasting time at this point. They basically told me I would be wasting time. So, in to the OR I
went. I was really disappointed at this point. Jason and I got prepped.. and went in. Emma
was born at 5:41pm. She scored 9/9 on the Apgar test, which they said is highly unusual
for a baby born via section, and she was pink and perfect. Oh.. the surprise part... when
they pulled her out.. "Congratulations, it's a GIRL!" Jason and my reaction? "WHAT?!"
LOL!! Felicia.. the nurse and actually our child birthing class instructor, came around the
curtain, asked if I was ok.. and it really was a girl! LOL!! We were quite surprised with out
little package! LOL!! Jason got to go cut the cord and check her out. I did start to get sick
while they were stitiching my guts back in.. the anestheoi (sp?!) was very nice and hooked
me up with some nausea stuff fast.. and was right there with me the whole time Jason was
with Emma. Thankfully we had a name for her! LOL! Jason took Emma to the nursery,
stopping by way of the waiting room, to let the grandparents meet.. their new
granddaughter. Jason said once they picked their jaws up.. they were quite happy and
pleased! The doctor told me that next time I need to do the section again, as baby girl is
not that big, head or body wise and I'll have trouble again. So, that is what our plan is. Dh
is talking about another already.. he has taken to fatherhood quite well. He's so proud of
his little girl, he makes me chuckle. He wanted to know where she was and when she was
coming to the room the whole time we were in the hospital. She had her hospital pics
taken in a t-shirt that says "Daddy's Little Girl" and he is just proud as a peacock! |
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Brennan's Birth Story
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10-22-2006
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Brennan John Lewis stillborn 8-24-06 at 6:46pm. 8 inches, 4.5ounces
Wednesday, 4:00pm, went for a routine checkup. Dr. R comes in with the doppler, couldn't find the heartbeat. (nothing unusual.. ) He got the u/s machine.. wasn't satisfied.. it was an old machine, he wanted the new one. Although, you could tell by his face something was wrong. So there I lay.. waiting as the newer machine was in use. Dr. D, aka Dr. Scrotum, comes in with the new machine and hooks it up. Pushes around my big ol' belly for like 15 minutes. I watched his face and said.. "it's not good." His reply, "No it isn't." He showed me the heart, sitting still. He showed me the little hand, also still. There was no movement at all. He asked if anyone came with me.. of course not.. it was a routine appointment. By dumb luck, Jason's aunt was there for her yearly examine, in the room next door. They push her appointment through and bring her over. They ask if they should tell her.. I said no. She walks in, expecting to be able to see the baby, instead.. she sees me crying. Dr. R tells her that it wasn't good news. I proceed to tell her that the baby has died. Dr. D comes in and gives me my options at this point.. Thursday or Friday for induction. It's better to get the baby out he says. The checkout lady comes back with the card to call in the AM to make the appointment with labor hall. Aunt S and I just sit and cry. She takes me home.. where I have to tell my dh that his child has died. Aunt S and Uncle L go for my van and bring it home. I call my mom and dad. We go for Emma and tell the inlaws.
Thursday, August 24, 2006.. Call Labor hall at 7:30 like a good girl.. bawling the whole time. We were told we could come in right away.. or when ever we are ready. I'm not ready.
We got into Labor hall around 9:30am after dropping Emma off at my mil's. They started cervadol at 10:30.. wait... Another dose at 1:30 and wait... nothing. Dr. D put 2 pills in at 4:30. At 5:40pm I called the nurse, I was having contractions about 15 seconds apart. I didn't want the iv hooked up yet though.. so I declined pain medicine. At 6:25 I called for the pain medicine. By the time the nurse got there with the meds, it was approx 6:35.. she said that if it felt better to push.. push. She called the doctor saying that I was in severe pain.. She works on hooking the iv up. at 6:40 the doctor gets there, puts one glove on and is ready to check me.. Brennan comes. It's 6:46pm. He tells me that it was a little boy.. and asks if I want to hold him. I said yes.. through all the tears that were free flowing. They put him on a blanket on my tummy while they cleaned up. I was able to just hold him the entire time. They wrapped him up a little better for me and then just brought him back for me. They said that I would have to deliver the placenta yet, and that could take a few hours. While spending time with Brennan, I could continue to feel a gushing. It was just nasty. The placenta was not releasing from the walls, but I was passing numerous clots, continually. We had called the grandparents to come in and say their goodbyes, if they wanted to. They were all there by 8pm. By 9pm, it was decided that I would have to have a D&E as the placenta was refusing to release. I was then taken to surgery where I was completely knocked out and cleaned out. When I got back to the floor, Dr. D said he was glad he did do that as there was a lot to clean out.. gross. They still had Brennan on the floor, even though Dr. D wanted him to pathology ASAP. They asked if I wanted to see him again, which I didn't because I had said my goodbyes before surgery since he was suppose to be in pathology. Now I'm regretting that. I wish I had seem him a little longer.. if nothing else to just tell him that I love him. And I will always love my little boy.
Dr. R came in at 8:00am on Friday and said I was free to go. Dr. D stopped to see how I was doing.. and coping. That was it. I had to call the office on Monday am to set a follow up appointment. I was told that I may have blood work results this week. The autopsy could take 4-6 weeks. We may never know the answer as to why...
I love you Brennan. |
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